Does This Jet Pack Make My Butt Look Big?

So I heard on the radio the other day that we have finally caught up with the Jetsons. Apparently, a jet pack has been invented for the masses.

I'm assuming that you will have to sign a legal waiver along the lines of, "I __________, being of sound mind and body, (for the moment) do hereby release __________ from any and all legal responsibility concerning the stupidity that shall herewith commence, as I strap my body to an explosive, highly flammable device, and attempt to break free of the gravitational force which God hath so graciously bestowed upon our planet, although, if the force could be released, ever so slightly, I would not weigh as much as I currently weigh...(wait, that's another agreement.) ...I won't sue if I run out of gas, hit a bird, get a bug in my eye, collide with a jet-liner, or choke on a cloud."

I was telling Shawn about it, and mentioning that, if money were no object...

Don't you love sentences like that?

If money was no object...

If I had all the money in the world...

I would pay off all my bills, fund a cure for cancer and stupidity, and buy my husband a jet pack.

So then we started talking about the beauty of owning this wave of the future.

He could leave for work and get there in 15 minutes, instead of an hour.

He wouldn't need much of a parking space.

It would get great mileage.

Or would it?

Just what is the weight limit on this thing, anyway?

In Which We Screw the Customer and Treat Them Like They Are Stupid

I know everyone is cutting back.

I understand stretching things to make ends meet.

I know times are hard.

But please, oh, please do NOT add water to the syrup in a RESTAURANT!

We went to IHOP for breakfast on our lovely snow day. We ordered pancakes. (cuz that's what you do there. It's International House of Pancakes, you know)
I asked for the syrup to be passed. The little air bubble jiggled around much too freely. When I told the waitress that it was watered down, she frowned and said, "Not again!"

So I decided to speak to the manager about it. That guy must've thought I was a complete idiot, because he told me the bottles must get water in them when they are washed. I just looked at him with the most serious look and agreed. I'm sure he thinks he fooled me, but the joke is on him. This is a video of the blueberry and butter pecan syrups. The waitress took the old fashioned away.
This is the IHOP in Millington, TN, in case you didn't know.

If the embedded video won't play, you can see it on youtube here.

Chocolate bandit

Night before last, I heard a ruckus out on the deck. I thought Shawn must be stumbling around in the dark, so I did the kind thing and switched on the light.
Perched atop the grill, just right outside the back door was a very surprised racoon, trying desperately to retain his hold on a mug of burned chocolate I had put there earlier. He just had this look in his eyes, that said,
"You don't see me. If I don't move, you can't see me. Must. Not. Drop. Chocolate!"
All the while, the mug was slipping out of his grasp, and about to fall to the deck. Surprisingly enough, it didn't even break when it fell.

A pile of...

I am cracking up, here.
I just finished folding a load of laundry.
The kids put theirs away, but Hailey missed part of hers.
So I yell down the hall...

Hailey, come pick up this pile of shirts.

Well, it's better that picking up a pile of something else.

Okay, clearly I grew up around too much cussing. Good thing my kids didn't understand why I was cracking up!

On a more personal note...

This morning we woke up to about 10-12 inches of snow.
It is very rare to see much white stuff in the Memphis area, so we are enjoying it.

Most of the churches in the area are closed today, but not ours.

Our pastor is stubborn brave, and says "Don't call in, crawl in." Apparently, the insurance company has told him to quit saying that, but he does it anyway.

Living out a ways from town, I wouldn't have even tried, but around 11:00 last night, I was reminded that I was singing this morning. So I HAD to at least try.

The rule in our church is that you can dress how you like, but if you are a lady, and you are singing the special music, you have to wear a skirt or dress. Shawn told me I had to wear pants today, but I wanted to obey the rules and wear a skirt, so I compromised and wore a long skirt with a pair of stretch pants underneath.

After using the bathroom, things just didn't want to lay right, so I went into the nursery, where Shawn was and asked him if I had everything where it belonged. I told him it felt funny. His answer?

Loud enough for everyone to hear, he says, "Just take your pants off."

**The sound of everyone's head turning to see how I would respond**

So I went there...

"You're always trying to get me to do that!"

Good thing there were only REALLY good friends there! 'Course, I never would have said it, otherwise.

You know what else would be really funny?

If someone, who was making meatloaf, left the paper from the carton in the meat...

And cooked it.

You know what would really be funny?

If someone who has never worn a bra, and was trying one on, accidentally put it on upside down.

Not that anyone did that here today, or anything...

What's that NOISE?

[Scene] Mom and Dad lying in bed, um drifting off to sleep, hear an unusual sound coming from somewhere across the hall.

*Sound happens again*

Mom steps out into hall.

Mom (using authoritative voice) - What's going on?

Daughter - huh?

Mom - What's that noise?

Daughter - What noise?

*Son's room is mysteriously silent*

Son - It was me.

Mom - What were you doing?

Son - It's kind of hard to explain...

*Mom opens son's bedroom door with a flourish*

Mom - Try!

*Son, lying on bed, points to foot board of bed*

Son - I was standing up there, and just fell back down here.

Mom - That's a bad idea. Go to sleep.

Son - Yes ma'am.

*Mom goes back to bed and giggles with Dad*

[End scene]

Lantern Wasted

Someone accidentally backed over the lamp post after our Super Bowl party.

For Sale

I bought a game to play with some friends. I didn't like it much, so I'm selling it on ebay. I told Shawn I was thinking about writing up the description to read like I thought the game was rigged. He liked the idea, so that's what I did.
Check it out here.

Darwin Awards

Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us.

Here are the glorious top 10 winners:

1. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.

And now........ the honorable mentions:

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting machine and, after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company, expecting negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.

3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the youngster told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer... $15. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?]

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on video tape.

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the thief. Within minutes, the police apprehended him. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, 'Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from.'

9. The Ann Arbour News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti , Michigan , at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away. [*A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER].

10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

Redneck privacy fence

Some neighbors of my current home moved away, and we have new neighbors. This is what the back yard looks like. Now I really have a reason to sing the Sanford and Son theme song!

Vote for me!

We had a mock election with our homeschool group yesterday. It was neat, and the kids had fun. After the results were in, I found out my son had voted liberal.
What am I raising around here?
The update went out, and Jenny suggested making a limerick out of the sentence that a boy voted for Obama, and his Momma wasn't pleased.
I took the challenge. Here are the latest results. Anyone else want to give it a try?


The children held an election,
Which would have been close to perfection,
If one boy hadn't frozen,
The wrong candidate chosen,
He wouldn't be facing rejection.

There voted a boy for Obama.
This greatly displeased his poor mamma.
In dismay she asked, "Why,
Would you make your Mom cry?
I think I'll just have to disown ya!"

The joke's on him

This post is for you, Joanna!

WOMEN'S REVENGE

'Cash, check or charge?' I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. 'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' I asked. 'No,' she replied, 'but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.'



UNDERSTANDING WOMEN (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)

I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.



CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, 'Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife? He answers, 'You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, an d she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own ........ so does she.



WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?' 'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws.'



WORDS

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day. 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men... The husband then turned to his wife and asked, 'What?'



CREATION

A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time. 'The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!



WHO DOES WHAT

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, 'You should do it because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee. The husband said, 'You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.' Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.' Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.' So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says .. 'HEBREWS'



THE SILENT TREATMENT

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:0 0 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, 'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.' He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.'

To thirds of a pun = P U

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'

14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'

17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

18. It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.

19. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

21. A backward poet writes inverse.

22. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

What a loser!

I'm sportin' a big ole "L" on my forehead today.

I should have seen it coming.

But it came out of nowhere.

It was entirely my fault, so I couldn't even yell at anyone.

I even felt the need to look around to make sure nobody saw me do it.

I ran SMACK into the cabinet door that I left open.

So, technically, the "L" is the imprint of the corner of the door.

I'm such a loser!

The zen of sarcasm (thanks Casandra)

01. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me alone.

02. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.

03. It's always darkest before dawn . So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

04. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

05. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.

06. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

07. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of loan payments .

08 Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes

09. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is probably not for you.

10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day .

11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably a wise investment.

12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.

14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

15.The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket

16. A closed mouth gathers no foot .

17. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works

19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

21. Never miss a good chance to shut up .

I'll pass, thanks

Okay, am I the only one on the planet who thinks this sign is HILARIOUS?

But I grew up with two younger brothers who would have totally thought this was a joke.

So I actually had to take a picture of it. The people inside must have thought I was nuts.